back to Relationships

This post was originally published via Medium.

After the breakup, I found myself in a shady astrologer’s office, surrounded by other lost people that, like me, were hoping that answers lived in the stars. In this case, I travelled kilometers away from my home, early in the morning, to go to a Naadi astrology center — a place where supposedly your entire life story, past life, and bad karma remedies were written on ancient leaf manuscripts.

There were several times over the hours-long process at the astrology center where I thought to myself, “Am I really this lost?” I looked at the people around me — pre-exam time students, young women hoping to find some answers about their future life partners, and old men and women suffering from health ailments, all hoping some divine providence could pull them out of their misery. And there was misery — a lot of it. Mine included.

Earlier that week, I had initiated a come-to-Krishna conversation with my partner of the better part of a year, resulting in us deciding to split up. The reasons for the split included my own insecurities and needing so desperately to find an anchor in what we were doing together, or some sign that the risk we were taking meant that good things would come to us later.

My partner was gracious in the conversation and, to his credit, admitted (as he had done before) that he didn’t know if we could overcome our differences to make it to some big milestone, but he did see us together for a long time. He was honest. He was transparent. I felt as if I was grasping for gnats in the air, just trying to hold onto something.

We parted ways, and the emptiness just seeped into me and made me so full that tears came out of my eyes because my body and spirit had no room to hold them in any longer. I was in publicand I was a mess.

Post-breakup I began thinking of all of the ways I contributed to the split— and, once again, it was a time in my life when looking in the mirror at myself and my own actions was hard and painful. I saw my part in all of it. I reached out to friends to talk it out , to get support and also the courage to come back to my ex-partner with what I had learned.

The truth is, I missed his friendship more than anything. Passionate love is okaybut when you find a person that you know will stick by you and support you, the loss of that is harder than romantic love. I wanted so badly to share what I knew about myself, that I saw the desperation and fear that led me to cling and rush our love — to push for some socially accepted outcome. I pressured him. I caused him not to trust me and our flow.

Worst of all, I didn’t really know him. I knew some things, of course. But I couldn’t read him — and that put me in a state of insecurity in his presence and caused me to always ask what he was thinking.

Loving him taught me that a friendly love can be better than a fiery one. As someone who has always followed intensity, it was a lovely experience to finally be in a love that wasn’t plagued by such highs and lows — aka “drama.” But still, we made the mistake of rushing in — like fools. The strength of our connection created momentum that was hard to dial down, until we just had to stop the whole thing and get off the ride. Recalibrate . Reconnect.

As I write this, I don’t know what will happen with us — but we have agreed after sharing with each other that we will start with a clean slate. I hope that means he will give me a chance to really get to know him, and move slowly toward building a bond (romantic or not) that allows us to support one another. Love starts with the honesty and bravery to tell ourselves the truthand, in my case, that truth was that what we had created was out of control and needed to be reeled in so we could love in a different way.

Loving and losing is hard, but you don’t have to lose yourself. If you find yourself sitting in a room with other lost people, looking to the stars for answers,  use that time to go inside of yourself and find out how YOU contributed to the dynamics in your relationship. Then, no matter what the astrologer tells you,  you’ll know yourself better than when you started.

 

Avani Parekh is a serial social entrepreneur, startup enthusiast, and sexual hacktivist. She recently launched lovedoctor.in - a confidential service for women, by women, to get information and advice about sex, sexual health, and relationships. Come talk to her (@alittlemasala) or check out Love Doctor (@lovedoctordotin) on Twitter. read more about